skip to Main Content
An illustration of an ear and sound waves.

Think of traveling a well-known road: As the route becomes familiar, you may no longer register street names or scenery. You may even let your mind wander.

Something similar takes place in our relationships.

While researching her latest book, You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters, journalist Kate Murphy noticed a surprising, counterintuitive quirk: We tend to listen less carefully to the people closest to us because we think we already know what they’re going to say.

To investigate what has become known as the “closeness-communications bias,” University of Chicago and Williams College researchers designed an experiment resembling a parlor game. Two couples sat in a circle facing away from each other and took turns reading ambiguous everyday phrases, such as, “What have you been up to?”

When asked what the speaker was trying to say, listeners might guess whether the phrase conveyed interest in someone’s well-being, irritation at a person’s late arrival, or suspicion of romantic infidelity.

Though spouses believed they would easily pass this test, researchers found the couples understood each other no better than strangers — and sometimes worse. Similar results occurred when the experiment was replicated with friends.

Study leader Kenneth Savitsky, PhD, a Williams College psychology professor, says some people in close relationships may indeed be on the same wavelength — just not as much as they might think. “You get rushed and preoccupied, and you stop taking the perspective of the other person, precisely because the two of you are so close.”

Like the oft-traveled road, familiarity in relationships can breed inattentiveness. But unlike that road, the people in our lives constantly change. If we rely on the past to understand someone in the present, we might overlook the person he or she has become.

Molly
Molly Tynjala

Molly Tynjala is an Experience Life assistant editor.

Thoughts to share?

More Like This

An illustration of an eye.
By Erin Peterson
What you put your attention on grows. Here’s how to train your focus on what matters.
An illustration of a woman with flowing hair looking to the side.
By Karen Olson
Expert tips on how to let go of grudges.
An illustration of a match after it's been lit and blown on, with smoke rising off of it.
By Quinton Skinner
Here are five tips to remember when talking to a loved one who is burned out.
Back To Top